The Cold Suffocating Dark Goes on Forever

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Black fills the empty spaces between teeth ground to dust, looks like broken piano keys from an abandoned upright somewhere in a sweltering basement where I gaze hopelessly into the crushing dark vacuum of life, as the pressures of decisions and the weight of regrets burden my frail shoulders so that I will never rise from my knees again. In deathlike solitude and in oppressive tharn, she leans her cratered face over mine. Pustules drip down warm like cum shot to my face. Wet whispers spew in my ear so frighteningly guttural and her cold breath smells like ozone. She’s mounted on top of my weakened body. Devoid of all strength, just as in life, a shriveling body wastes thanklessly away and will never rise again. Deep below my chest pain where hypertension silently kills me, her shins dig like daggers and steals the breath from my lungs. Paralyzed and mute like a botched lethal injection, helpless, I’m pathetic.

Sleep once my only solace is now a terror that drives my fragile mind insane.
I am the steed of beasts. I am the host of violent hags.

A squandered life wastes away in agony.

And then the shadow man appears. He draws near. Red eyes pierce into my deepest fears. Awake in a panic, gasping for air, and reach for a bedside rag. It is for burying cries or cold sweats or a sexless life. Knocking over prescriptions, I’ve given up hope. The cold suffocating dark goes on forever and we are all alone. Life sucks the light – sucks the life from me. Spinning tirelessly in the chasmic vacuum I cry out but no words escape my mouth. Reach for a hand into nothing, there is no one there. Just the unbearable pain of my fettered leg squeezed as tight as my hands clench the edge of hospital beds in various states where I suffer thousands of miles from home. Eyes burn into my fevered skin as the sun gazes upon my misery. Light offers me nothing. Life offers me nothing.

I am all I ever will be.

Each passing monotonous day is utterly meaningless flat time spent mourning my dreams that died. The unbearable boredom of being alive persists endlessly. Regrets consume my thoughts like the hags and shadows that devour my sleep.

I convulse uncontrollably, traversing sharp edges of skintight permafrost walls. A flickering light guides me deeper into the darkness before it burns away like fading love. A constant reminder of the things I can’t forgive myself for. I drag myself through sheets of jagged ice and collapse upon the foot of a fig tree that taunts me with respite, but to choose one fruit would mean to lose the rest. So I spent that summer shivering inside, shrinking into glacial caves, frozen, impotent, and alone. Then I felt your body calloused and cold.
The tree of life is a tree of steel thorns and where fruit once dangled moaning bodies now writhe. The figs lay dead now and rot at our feet.
We are no ones

Left with nothing.


from My Bones Hold a Stillness, released September 2, 2016



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Black/Doom from Sacramento and San Francisco.

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